As a young boy, I grew up with the strict routine of a usual army background. Everything was almost, always fixed, barring the improbabilities beyond human control. To roam around the country with every completed tenure of my soldier father was, though very exciting as a young boy, but wasn’t easy as a school student. Every three years to go to a new place/school to meet new pals and encounter new positions was a little awkward initially, but then Darwin’s theory was not null and void…
I adapted to my way of life.
Once I had adapted, it wasn’t much different in the various walks of life, be it the classroom or the Soccer field. There was a drive to be the first or the best, sometimes I did succeed and other times failure was there to make a man out of me. It all started in the classroom, answering before anybody else could, and in the fields to do something spectacular or sometimes outrageous…since every time I was in a new place I had to make my mark to make it easy for my would-be pals to accept me. Though, as a young kid, I was a little introvert or may be a little choosy to start with but, to make friends or at least acquaintances was never a problem. In school or rather in the schools and in college, as well, I was always a favorite among almost everybody. But this recently made me feel whether the phrase applies to me “he who is everybody’s favorite has no friend”, but then my friends were there to prove me wrong.
Like any other growing boy, I also had dream to sail across the magnanimous oceans in the submarines, tear the cumulombous clouds with a supersonic jet or to win over the enemy in a dreary desert. But by the time I started to prepare, to accomplish a few sections of the dreams, I could distinctly see the finesse with which I could state my dreams in the structures of the reality…grammar. Yes, I had started to participate in the various writing competitions and winning them as well. This was a good thing happening I was motivated to perform better and better. But since I was in still in the school and my characteristics were in the budding phase, frequent wins laid a strange impact on my thought process. Suddenly I was trying to be at the helm of the affairs and with every promotion to the next class and with passing year, it grew stronger, and came out to be what you call leadership. But this leadership wasn’t restricted to the intellectual (without any heavy connotations) domain but spread to almost every sphere. Though my parents, teachers and well wishers were excited about these developments but for me it was another big responsibility which I could not shrug off, a responsibility to maintain a growingly heavy profile with more expectations.
Then, I entered into one of the most important phases of life, the culminating years of my teens and I was in the Army Public School, and became a member of the Student’s Committee and House (group) Captain. Those were times which perhaps nurtured my managerial capabilities and communicatory abilities, organizing the annual festival whereby the school entertained around 30 other schools. The successful outcome of which gave me ample confidence to move on to my college life still showing off my upper hand, if not arrogance. While talking in terms of ‘arrogance’, I have always believed or rather realized that you can handle your team with either arrogance (what in others words you call complete domination) or by synthesizing their opinions and their say (with moderation). For me it was the latter one which I found suitable, because end of the day you have to get the job, may be there are different approaches.
Yes, let me tell you I was never arrogant.
Still the time I was in school I had time to decide which way the ship of my life would sail, but when in the graduating years I knew it was only three years. Right from my early teens my career aim did not change, I wanted to be in the Army. I went and climbed the hill quite a bit, but then it was not meant to be. I was upset but never gave up, though my mates did call me a painter but I never thought of it as a career option. My bachelor’s degree and instinct prompted me to take up writing as a career option. I enjoyed writing, and I wanted to explore the industry keeping it as my boot camp. I hate to compare myself with other individuals because there are enough individuals within me to compare and that challenges you without hurting your ego.
Yes, Ego…I’m an egoistical individual, just that I don’t have a problem with my Ego. I find it very difficult to accept my fault when I’m not guilty, no matter how profitable it might be, but it doesn’t appear shameful to accept my shortcomings. I’m ready to learn from everybody…good, bad, and ugly, bold, beautiful, and timid…anybody because they are all within me. And they come out of me only when I interact with people of each category. Often people asked what would be the one thing you would like to change in you, if you could and I answered, perhaps my impulsiveness…but actually I do not want my impulsiveness do die. My desire to improve in my art had its origin in my instinctive impulse to rise above mediocrity–an instinct that must have been born in me, since, when still a little boy, I used to put forth all my energies to eclipse what I saw accomplished by my companions of like age.
And so it happened, an almost computer illiterate entered the IT industry from my boot camp of only writing skills. I was very anxious to see the illustration of English in this part, and I secured my lot in a box. I was recognised by nobody or may be somebody, and remaining as it were concealed in my box, I had a good opportunity to satisfy my curiosity. From the time when the passion assumes a deeper hue, and reasoning moderates impulses which are forcibly curbed… I do realise if I have to survive I’ll have to get over the very obvious Hamlet in me “to be or not to be” and take on conventionality in the intonations, exaggeration in the gestures, and mannerism in the bearings. I am sure I’ll be able to do a Hamlet or atleast I’ll try it. I chose Hamlet to narrate not because it makes a big noise to get attention but because I am convinced that it would be difficult to interpret a Shylock (whose victimization is taken as fall of sinister purpose) or a Satan (whose big brave initiative is taken as blasphemy).
Whilst we are on the subject of these creations of the writers and the professionals, I do understand how important is discipline on the stage called life; without it he should know he’ll only be dragged back to himself and his actual surroundings of canvas and paint and tinsel and limelights by some disturbing influence in the audience or on the stage. If you want the best, if you love the art, foster it. It is worthy of your gentlest care and your kindest, tenderest thought. But sometimes I am really sorry that I have a relaxation in my pursuit, thus anxiety in my output, my mood and relations. I know the stage is not likely to die of neglect anywhere. But at this moment it cannot be denied that the ship of the stage is drifting somewhat hither and thither, Every breath of air and every current of public opinion impels it first in one direction and then in another, but the greater part of the time the ship on the stage is careering wildly under bare poles, with a man lashed to the helm.
It is the undoubted duty of the critic to criticise, and that means to blame as well as to praise; and it must be confessed that, taking all things into consideration, the critics of this country are actuated by honesty of purpose and kindliness of spirit, and very often their work is, in addition, of marked literary value. Occasionally we will still meet the man who is anxious to impress his fellow citizens with the fact that he has been abroad, and tinctures all his views of plays and actors with references to Herr Dinkelspiegel or Frau Mitterwoorzer; or who, having spent a few hours in Paris, is forced to drag in by the hair Monsieur Popin or Mademoiselle Fifine. But as a matter of fact, it is not the interpretation of tragedy and comedy by the British stage superior to the German and French?–for the whole endeavour in this country has been toward a closer adherence to nature.
No doubt this sounds very fine in German and French, but how would you like it now in English?
The most severe critic can never tell me more, or scold me more than I scold myself. I will never leave satisfied with myself. And I am convinced that every artist feels as I do about his work. But then the question that remains…what is the criteria to be an artist and take so much of an liberty in thinking?
But I know if I am to satisfy myself, I must possess the commanding power of a Caesar, the wisdom of Solomon, the eloquence of Demosthenes, the patience of Job, the face and form of Antinous, and the strength and endurance of Hercules.
